If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
