I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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