Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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