You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
