Already got asked if we're dating
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
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