I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
