I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
