Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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