I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
