Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
