Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
