Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
