you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
