THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
