You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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