having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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