I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
