Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Randomize
