I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
