I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
