i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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