I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
