I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
