ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
