Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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