just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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