There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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