I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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