Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I could fuck to npr.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
