the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
