New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
