When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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