I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
