I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
