she looked like the before picture.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
