Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I love having hate sex.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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