Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
