captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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