i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
