There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
