It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
