As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
