Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
