Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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