so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
