He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
