Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
