I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
