Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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