She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
