It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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