I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
