I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
