i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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