My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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