I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
