dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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