i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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