it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
