Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
3 2 1 whiskey
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
