She's JV to your varsity
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
