Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
